Self-Confidence: A Work in Progress
So you know those showers you take where you just stand under the hot water for 5-10 minutes? After you’ve done your business, you just stand there, soaking in all the hot water and steam, and just let random thoughts pop into your mind? Well I had one of those showers the other day and one of those thoughts was about self-confidence. I’ve been writing about my journey to become a confident woman. During my shower I realized how convoluted just saying I want to have self-confidence can really be. What does having self confidence actually mean to me? What will make me a confident person? What do I have to work toward to become confident? Will I ever become 100% confident? I put some thought into this and here is what I came up with.
Firstly, I will never reach a point where I will be able to say, ‘alright, I’m confident now, my job is done’. When I was younger it was easy to say, okay, once I lose this much weight I’m going to be happy and confident’. However, when I lost that weight, there was something else I saw that needed to change. And if/when I changed that, there was something else. It’s a never ending cycle. I won’t sit here and say that I don’t want to lose weight, because I do. But I know that’s not the end all, be all. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will always have some sort of body insecurity. And that is okay. That is human. Self-confidence is being happy about your growth.
Now with those insecurities, comes a lot of self hate. ‘I hate this part of my body’ ‘I hate that part of my body’ ‘I’m too fat’ ‘I’m too muscular’ etc. I catch myself doing this way too much. I don’t even just say it inwardly to myself, I make other people listen to my self deprecation. Does anyone else say negative things about themselves to your friends/family/significant other knowing damn well they will disagree and in turn, compliment you?
You might not even realize you do it. I didn’t at first. However after long hard looks in the mirror, I realize that I vocalize my insecurities to others in hopes of receiving feelings of contentment with myself. Now, that is my toxic trait. It’ll take some work to get there, but Self-confidence is being able to see the beauty in myself with out seeking validation from others.
In order to stop seeking that validation from others, I need to validate myself. Why is it so easy to compliment others but so much harder to compliment yourself. I for sure have those days where I can look in the mirror and say, ‘damn, I look good’. But for some reason they’ve been few and far between. We can be so hard on ourselves when we should be loving ourselves. Self-Confidence is being kind to yourself.
However, seeing beauty in yourself is hard when you care so much about what other people think. Will other people notice my foopah in these jeans? Will people think I look fat in this crop top, or see my muffin top in this outfit? One Of my goals is to not give a shit what other people think of me or my body. My body has nothing to do with them. I want to be able to dress however I want to without caring if someone can see a self-proclaimed flaw of mine. Self-confidence is not letting others cause you to second guess yourself.
Now, I know that I’ve only talked about being confident with outward appearances, but I want to make it clear that being proud of your outward appearance is not the only thing that makes up a confident person. To me, self-confidence is also having trust in your own ability to be a good friend/family member/significant other, and your ability to see your value in yourself, your work, relationships, future and overall life. Ive definitely faltered more than I few times in these aspects, but who hasn’t. Again, confidence is a work in progress. It may come and it may go at various times.
Self-confidence will always be something I strive for. And self-confidence is being okay if I haven’t made it there yet.
Peace, Love, Sweet Scented Wildflower
